Monday, September 28, 2009

Transformers 2 Review

Older post but posted for archiving purposes

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen:
Directed by Michael Bay
Released in 2009

Michael Bay's latest "film" is all about the unnecessary. It's unnecessary that there are so many nonsensical explosions in action scenes that have no coherent flow or direction. It's unnecessary that the actors have to scream every line they have, most notably Shia LeBouf. It's unnecessary that every scene with Megan Fox reveals cleavage or exposed skin. But, truly, that is one of the redeeming features of this mess of a movie and when her character isn't in the spotlight for the later parts of the film, this plan ends up biting itself in the ass.

Shall I discuss story?

No, because it is nonexistent. There is no sense of direction and setpieces change with such quick succession that you wonder if the editor and director have ADD on top of drinking speed-spiked Red Bull. There seems to lack a story structure and the ending is so cheesy that Mickey Mouse could smell it from a mile away.

The script and writing fares no better, or even worse. Characters such as the loopy mother who tend to be comic relief early on tire their welcome, staying on too long, each joke and line getting progressively worse. Of course, standard action movie crap dialogue occurs as well. After a "plane" gets activated by a Decepticon artifact, Megan Fox looks at the side of the plane where a logo is screaming, "It's a Decepticon!!!", just in case you did not already know. But, she was leaning over when that line was delivered so I believe I found its true value.

Even talented actors like John Turturro can't save this mess. He chews the scenery, for sure, but his character's writing gets even worse as the movie progresses that you wonder if the writers for this film hired their prepubescent teens to finish it for them. However, I am not complementing any aspect of the movie, mind you. It starts as a screwed jumble of film aspects and devolves into a steaming pile of crap. Actually, I'm going to use the word "shit" because that better matches its quality.

But I'm just being a grouch, aren't I, trying to nitpick the small details but overlook the awesome action, right? Well, no I'm not. Sure, there are a lot of flashy CGI effects and sounds, but the action scenes are so poorly choreographed that is hard to appreciate. The fitst movie at least had some slick action scenes that both looked and performed well; this one does not. Metal is scraping and clashing all over the scene, but the simple fact of "who's who" is lost in the design. I would frequently wonder what robot is fighting another, but before that is resolved, BAM!!, another battle occurs. It's as though Bay designed to cater to the shortest attention spans possible, to people not even interested in simple aspects like, well, WHICH robot is WHICH?? Or, WHY are they fighting? How about my favorite, WHY am I supposed to care when *spoiler* dies? Because the weepy, sad music is playing? That and because Shia LeBouf and Megan Fox are sad. Of course, a shot of sad Megan Fox does not go without a pop of flesh. This movie cuts NO corners.

Considering this is a Michael Bay film, this should come as no surprise but the movie is racist as well. There is a new pair of robots who get introduced that belong in the same, prestigious leagues as Jar-Jar Binks. Trying to be ghetto, hip African Americans, these two characters are annoying and insensitive. Fulfilling every black stereotype known to man, this duo makes this film even more shameful that is has to turn to racist jokes to get laughs out of the audience. Which makes me wonder who the audience for this film is. It certainly is not the fans of the animated series; they were scared away by the first movie. It's not for the older crowd or movie buff type. I guess the only option left is the young, teenage crowd who knows no better. To the people who geniunely enjoyed this "piece of cinema," I hope you come back to it in two to three years and realize your mistake. Only then can we have the good, deserved movies come on top again.

The best part of all of this? The movie is two and a half hours long. Yep, your brain will lose its intelligence for over 2 hours and become a piece of mush by the movie's end. Apparently, an intelligent editing process was not considered for this travesty.

So, in the end, Transformers 2 beats it predecessor as one of the worst movies of the decade. Yep, Rolling Stone is right!!! It's a shame because this piece of crap is raking in the miilions currently, having one of the most successful openings of all time. Really? This is what the public likes? We may be going downhill at a quicker pace than I imagined.

Truly, Transformers 2 is like one of the worst drugs imaginable. It supposedly is the "new, big high," but once the pill is dropped, the user feels nothing but nausea and pain. Worst of all, this "high" lasts longer than needed and when the trip is over, the user finds him/herself on the curb of a street, next to his/her own vomit while bleeding profusely.

Does that sound like a good time? I really, really hope not. 

Final Verdict:
1 Out of 5 Stars

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