Transformers 2 Review

Older post but posted for archiving purposes



Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen:
Directed by Michael Bay
Released in 2009




Michael Bay's latest "film" is all about the unnecessary. It's unnecessary that there are so many nonsensical explosions in action scenes that have no coherent flow or direction. It's unnecessary that the actors have to scream every line they have, most notably Shia LeBouf. It's unnecessary that every scene with Megan Fox reveals cleavage or exposed skin. But, truly, that is one of the redeeming features of this mess of a movie and when her character isn't in the spotlight for the later parts of the film, this plan ends up biting itself in the ass.

Shall I discuss story?

No, because it is nonexistent. There is no sense of direction and setpieces change with such quick succession that you wonder if the editor and director have ADD on top of drinking speed-spiked Red Bull. There seems to lack a story structure and the ending is so cheesy that Mickey Mouse could smell it from a mile away.

The script and writing fares no better, or even worse. Characters such as the loopy mother who tend to be comic relief early on tire their welcome, staying on too long, each joke and line getting progressively worse. Of course, standard action movie crap dialogue occurs as well. After a "plane" gets activated by a Decepticon artifact, Megan Fox looks at the side of the plane where a logo is screaming, "It's a Decepticon!!!", just in case you did not already know. But, she was leaning over when that line was delivered so I believe I found its true value.

Even talented actors like John Turturro can't save this mess. He chews the scenery, for sure, but his character's writing gets even worse as the movie progresses that you wonder if the writers for this film hired their prepubescent teens to finish it for them. However, I am not complementing any aspect of the movie, mind you. It starts as a screwed jumble of film aspects and devolves into a steaming pile of crap. Actually, I'm going to use the word "shit" because that better matches its quality.

But I'm just being a grouch, aren't I, trying to nitpick the small details but overlook the awesome action, right? Well, no I'm not. Sure, there are a lot of flashy CGI effects and sounds, but the action scenes are so poorly choreographed that is hard to appreciate. The fitst movie at least had some slick action scenes that both looked and performed well; this one does not. Metal is scraping and clashing all over the scene, but the simple fact of "who's who" is lost in the design. I would frequently wonder what robot is fighting another, but before that is resolved, BAM!!, another battle occurs. It's as though Bay designed to cater to the shortest attention spans possible, to people not even interested in simple aspects like, well, WHICH robot is WHICH?? Or, WHY are they fighting? How about my favorite, WHY am I supposed to care when *spoiler* dies? Because the weepy, sad music is playing? That and because Shia LeBouf and Megan Fox are sad. Of course, a shot of sad Megan Fox does not go without a pop of flesh. This movie cuts NO corners.

Considering this is a Michael Bay film, this should come as no surprise but the movie is racist as well. There is a new pair of robots who get introduced that belong in the same, prestigious leagues as Jar-Jar Binks. Trying to be ghetto, hip African Americans, these two characters are annoying and insensitive. Fulfilling every black stereotype known to man, this duo makes this film even more shameful that is has to turn to racist jokes to get laughs out of the audience. Which makes me wonder who the audience for this film is. It certainly is not the fans of the animated series; they were scared away by the first movie. It's not for the older crowd or movie buff type. I guess the only option left is the young, teenage crowd who knows no better. To the people who geniunely enjoyed this "piece of cinema," I hope you come back to it in two to three years and realize your mistake. Only then can we have the good, deserved movies come on top again.

The best part of all of this? The movie is two and a half hours long. Yep, your brain will lose its intelligence for over 2 hours and become a piece of mush by the movie's end. Apparently, an intelligent editing process was not considered for this travesty.

So, in the end, Transformers 2 beats it predecessor as one of the worst movies of the decade. Yep, Rolling Stone is right!!! It's a shame because this piece of crap is raking in the miilions currently, having one of the most successful openings of all time. Really? This is what the public likes? We may be going downhill at a quicker pace than I imagined.

Truly, Transformers 2 is like one of the worst drugs imaginable. It supposedly is the "new, big high," but once the pill is dropped, the user feels nothing but nausea and pain. Worst of all, this "high" lasts longer than needed and when the trip is over, the user finds him/herself on the curb of a street, next to his/her own vomit while bleeding profusely.

Does that sound like a good time? I really, really hope not. 

Final Verdict:
1 Out of 5 Stars

Jennifer's Body Review

Jennifer's Body:

Directed by Karyn Kusama

Released in 2009

There really is not much to say about Jennifer's Body. Starring Megan Fox and written by Diablo Cody (Juno), the expectations are already set. Could this be the next high-school slasher film? Is the Academy Award-winning Cody going to strike gold again? Is Megan Fox still hot? The answer, with the exception of the last, is a resounding no.

As for the basics, Jennifer's Body is about the story of Jennifer (Megan Fox), the high school "it girl" who is drooled over by the male students and knows it. She teases them with their desires but *usually* doesn't give in. Her best friend, Needy (Amanda Seyfried) is a nerd but still is Jen's best friend, despite their physical and emotional differences. The problem comes when they both go to a bar one night and meet a Indie rock band called "Low Shoulder," with Nikolai (Adam Brody from the OC). A fiery event ensues and Jennifer is mysteriously whisked off with the band. She returns later to Needy's house in an emaciated form but, the day later, she is perfectly fine. It turns out Jennifer has turned into some demon/zombie that must feast on humans to keep her lustrous look intact. In this case, she chooses boys.

Jennifer lures countless different high school boys into her (literal) grasp by acting slutty but then, of course, disposing of them in gruesome ways. Unfortunately, these encounters are never scary or even sexy enough to get much of an impact, relying on horror movie cliches for "shock" value. For example, a boy walks into an abandoned house with absolutely no one on the street. Must be fine, right? He proceeds to climb through a window in the back of house that is under construction and gets freaked out by a crow that is inside the house. What happens next doesn't even need to explained; you know already. The violence is not even that graphic, as death scenes only involve shadows with blood splattering on walls or after views of murders that have humorously disfigured bodies with unreal excesses of blood. It's typical teenage slasher fare and not much more.

The script, with Diablo Cody of Juno fame at the helm, is nagging and vomit-inducing in itself. The worst part of Juno, the so-called "witty" dialogue, returns in full force, making expressions like "what the blog?" seem like child's play. When Jennifer is all bloody she says, "Got a tampon?" or, instead of using the word "jealous," Jennifer calls a boy "jello" and then repeats it five more times. Jen's final line is so ridiculously stupid I am not going to even repeat it here. I wonder how Diablo Cody won an Oscar in the first place and this movie should hopefully put her away for good.

Now, the acting. There really isn't much to say here, as well. Megan Fox is still sexy but incapable of much talent. It is definitely a step up from Transformers and, who knows, she may have a movie down the road where her sex appeal isn't the only thing that gets her by. But, in this film, Fox provides many laughs, usually unintentional, and is a very unconvincing demon child. Amanda Seyfried as Needy is merely okay, looking drastically different from Mamma Mia! from 2008. She still is an attractive actress even next to Fox here but her acting also relies on typical horror movie conventions. Her narration also can be grating, though this is more related to Miss Cody than her. Needy also has a boyfriend called Chip who is played by Johnny Simmons. He has a Zac Efron-style haircut so he can talk with a drawling, chill voice right? Well, the fact that he is never seen with anyone besides Needy (the names are starting to make sense...), pretty as she may be, begs to differ. A more nervous, uptight Chip would have been a better fit and probably provide a sense of comedic value but, as it stands, his character is actually decent. He provides a few funny one-liners and he is really the only other main character of the film, and the only male one at that, so he stands in rough territory. Adam Brody makes an impossibly stupid appearance as "Low Shoulder's" singer, not blinking an eye when a fire is blazing next to him or trying to reason that the devil is an indie rock band's best chance at success. Whenever he appears on screen, a guaranteed facepalm is bound to follow. The veteran actor here is actually the best. J.K. Simmons, the excellent character actor from Juno, Spiderman and Burn After Reading, is here as a one-handed teacher who provides most of the laughs or even emotion. Of course, his time on the screen can amount to maybe four-five minutes tops.

Truly, there is not much more to say about Jennifer's Body. The acting, script and story are all vapid or uninspired, but that is not even its biggest problem. The ultimate obstacle this film runs into is its severe identity crisis. It doesn't really know what it is or wants to be. There are not many laughs, there is not much horror, and there is not much sex. I actually had hopes that this film could have one or more of those three and executed them in an admirable way but, wow, was I wrong. Girls will probably not know the point and boys will be disappointed by the lack of the title star's "body." So, really, what is left?

Final Verdict:
2 Stars Out of 5